[Rock]
[Woman] One, two. One, two, three, four!
Iīve been out ofthe woods forsix days and nights now
And Iīm a little hard-wired but Iīm feeling allright now
l got some money in my pocket and l wonīt need a ride, yeah
Got a big-jettedcar and a baby by my side, yeah
Well, Iīm a little hard-wired but Iīm feeling okay
And I got a IittIe Iost out aIong the way
But Iīmjust aroundthe corner to the Iight ofday
Yeah
Iīmjust aroundthe corner to the Iight ofday, yeah
Iīm drivinī500miIes got 500 togo, yeah
Iīvegot rock īnīroIImusic on my radio
Look, Debbie!
- Oh, my God, hi! - How are you?
- We watch your show all the time. - Good to see you.
Thankyou. Thankyou. All right. You have a good day.
- [ All Screaming ] - Bye!
[Man] Theysaythe onIy Iuck is the Iuckyou make.
In the winterofī88, I was the Iuckiest man aIive.
Ihadit aII-- fame, fortune andmyownparking space...
at Harrisburgīs trendiest bistro.
I wouIdhave done anything to keep it aII.
And, unfortunateIy, Idid.
-Jack, how are ya? - Good morning, Mr. Richards.
- Did you get a haircut? - Oh, yes.
Looks good. Donīt get too good-looking. Iīll be out ofa job.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, how about this winter weather, eh?
FarmerīsAImanac sure didnīt get it right this year.
''Caterpillar inJune, cold winter soon,īī they said.
Amateurs,Jack. Hillbilly folklore, thatīs all it is.
You should write your own almanac, Mr. Richards.
Something people could believe in.
Maybe one day I will,Jack. Maybe one day I will.
- Enjoy your breakfast. - Good morning.
- Wendy, how are you? -Just fine.
- Yeah. Howīs the cold? - Oh, itīsjust allergies, I think.
Really? Oh, not allergic to me, are you?
No. [ Laughs ] I donīt think so.
- Youīreso bad. - Guilty as charged.
Iīll be right back with your cantaloupe and egg whites.
- Okay. You pick me a ripe one. - Excuse me, Mr. Richards.
- Sorry, but can I get a picture? -Well, sure.
Itīs my sonīs birthday, and he saw you walk in.
- Whatīs your name, skipper? - Sam.
Sam. Well, youīre a big fella, Samarino.
How old are you today? Twenty-seven?
[ Chuckles ] Iīm five.
Five? Well, howīs the wife?
AIIright. Happybirthday.
- Thanks for coming by. All right. - Thankyou.
- Oh, you gotta love it. - Wow.
Youīre Russ Richards, arenīt you?
Last time I checked. Well, hello!
Hi. Here.
Let meguess. Mmm. Itīsa resume ofsomesort,
andyouīre Iooking forajob in broadcasting.
Yeah, just read it. Asshole.
You are Mr. Luckytoday.
I found you the ripest melon in Harrisburg.
- Christmasdonīt be Iate - Fuck!
[ Announcer ] Live from Harrisburg and News Center Six.
Covering Harrisburg, York, Lancaster and Lebanon,
itīs Newsat Five with Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
and Russ Richards with the weather.
This is Newsat Five.
[ Man ] Good evening. A teacher is behind bars tonight...
for allegedly locking an unruly student in a broom closet.
That story coming up.
But first, letīs check in with the weather center...
to see ifthese beautiful temperatures will continue.
- Russ? - Yes, itīs the middle of December,
and we still have more 60-degree weather heading our way.
Now donīt panic, folks. Youīre not in the twilight zone.
[ Humming Theme from TwiIightZone ]
Now, on the downside, ifthe weather gets any nicer,
my Aunt Mildred could move back from Fort Lauderdale.
Just kidding. A wonderful woman.
Anyhoo, Iīll be back with a complete forecast a little later.
Take it, Dan.
Thanks, Russ. Weīll check in with you later.
[Man]Andnowthe fourth.
[Woman]EIeven.
[Man] Andthe fifth number, pIease.
- Hi, Russ. - [Woman] Thirty.
Hey, Dottie. How are you?
- Still struggling with the diet. - Oh, yeah?
Donīt get too thin. Itīs not good foryou.
Eight.
[ Man ] And there you have it.
Tonightīs Pennsylvania Lottery number: 1 9, 47,
3, 1 1 , 30, 8.
Ifyou have it, come and get it.
- If not, better luck next time. - Back to you, Dan.
- We gonna talk about this? - Nothing to taIkabout, Cochise.
I told you no more loans. Penn Fedīs down the street.
This is not--
Not a loan. An advance. Stop acting like itīs coming out ofyour pocket.
Ifyou didnīt piss your money away, you wouldnīt need an advance.
Now, what is it this week-- racquetbaIIcourts?PeeweegoIf?
Snowmobiles. You know it. I told you that.
Jesus Christ. Itīs exhausting with you.
Snowmobiles. Howīs business?
When this heat wave ends, Iīm golden.
- Youīre the weatherman. End it. - [Groans]
- Where the heIIishe? - CrystaI!
How many times do I have to tell those guys about the cables?
I almost broke my fucking neck on live television!
Yeah.
Oh, sorry. I didnīt realize you were in the middle ofa meeting.
No, itīs okay. Itīs okay. Calm down.
- Calm down. - You know--
- Come with me. - Ihave to Ieave, ofcourse.
ItaIkedto them about this thing. Itīsnevergonna happen again.
All right?Just relax. Itīs not gonna happen again.
- Hi, boss. - Hello. How you doing, Bobby?
I canīt do the Olive Garden tonight.
- [ Scoffs ] - My wife invited a few people over.
- Iīve gotta eat at home. - Thatīsjust great, Dick.
No, you know what? I am tired ofthis bullshit.
Hey, hey, hey. Easy. Come on.
Remember, we got that affiliates thing coming up.
- Uh-huh. - Six days in Hawaii.
- Mm-hmm. - Eating like pigs.
Christ, you got some body on you.
[ Giggles ] Tell me something I donīt know.
Do we have anything eIse? Ithink weīre through here.
Unless you want to torture me about the fucking weather chopper.
Like that was a bad idea. Weather chopper?
Come on, Iīm a weatherman. You know what the truth is?
I feel bad foryou, Dick. I do.
One day youīre gonna wake up, and youīre gonna realize...
you had a diamond in your hand, and you let it slip away.
To where, Atlantic City?
- Oh, thatīs what this is about. - To be a biggameshowhost.
Thatīs right. I hear everything.
Iīm like a satellite in outer space. Did you get your audition?
- My agent is all over it. - Right. [ Chuckles ]
[Russ]Mace Kornberg, pIease.
Yes, this is Russ Richards. Mm-hmm.
You know, this is getting a little ridiculous.
Iīve already left, like, five messages.
AIIright, yourboss, Mace Kornberg, sawme on TV, okay?
He Iovedme, okay? He wants to represent me.
We-- We sat at mypersonaIbooth at Dennyīs...
for over an hour, and I told him all about myself.
And now for some reason, heīs not returning my phone calls.
Well, what part ofthat was too long?
Just tell him Russ Richards called, okay? Thankyou.
[ Sighs ]
Whatīs happening? Still not there?
Nah, but, the whole agency is out for the week.
- A retreat or something. - Whatīs a retreat?
Oh, Iīm not sure, but I think itīs a religious thing.
- Hey, Igotgreat news foryou. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Remember my brotherīs car, the one that was in a wreck?
For the sake ofexpediency, I am going to say yes.
Well, heīs finally ready to sell it.
Itīs all pounded out, repainted, and ready to go.
Beautiful lime-green finish. Looksjust like a popsicle.
Now, Larry, is there some reason that I should know this?
Just ifyou decide theJag is too much ofan extravagance.
Iīm not selling theJag.
Iīd sell my body parts to South America before that.
Okay. Youīre the boss.
Yeah, I am the boss. Hereīs another news flash foryou.
Iīm not losing the house either.
You know what you laymen fail to realize?
Itīs not about the snowmobiles. Come on.
Itīs about the weather, okay?
One cold front, a little moist air, and bam!
Iīm Rockefeller. Iīm on Broadway. Iīm doing the cha-cha-cha.
Yeah!
[ Moaning ] Oh, God!
Oh, whip me forever! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[ Both Moaning ]
[ Russ Sighs ]
Boy, whew! That is always such a treat.
Oh, with Dick, itīs like having sex with a sloth.
Donīt put that image in my head.
Here. Try thisjust one time.
- No. - Yeah, itīll help you relax.
I donīt even want a contact high. It makes me nauseous.
You shouldnīt even be smoking it. Youīre the lotto girl.
You practically work for the state. Put it out.
Okay, Iīm putting it out.
- I have a question to askyou. - Yeah?
Ifyou had an agent, and you tried to get him for two weeks,
eight times, and he didnīt return your call, what would you think?
- Um-- - Huh?
I canīt relate. Iīve never had a guy not call me back.
Oh! I just donīt get it.
When I met-- I met this guy, he was-- he was gushing.
He wanted to do this for me, he wanted to do that.
Iīve had my ass kissed, but this was really special.
So he is officially your agent? Itīs not like you had one meeting.
Itīs splitting hairs here, you know.
I mean, it was clear he wanted to sign me.
You know what he said to me?
He said that I delivered the weather forecast with a Shakespearean flair.
[ Chuckles ] Was he drunk?
No, he wasnīt drunk. Whatīs wrong with you?
Look. Ifthe guyīs not returning your calls, then fire his ass.
Just hire someone else. Whatīs the biggie?
- Do you know who Mace Kornberg is? - Uh-uh.
Do you have any idea ofthe pedigree ofthis man?
Hereīs a little primer foryou.
He only handled Gene Rayburn at the height ofThe Match Game.
Wow. All right, so he is kind ofa big shot.
Yeah, congratulations. You just won the Cutlass.
I wouldnīt be caught dead driving a Cutlass. Iīll trade it in.
Well, how about door number two?
Old reliable.
[ Giggles ] Wait.
Youīre in a very small, select group of guys.
What is it that makes you successful...
and all the others knocking on the doors not so successful?
Well, Iīm not so sure. You know, as I travel around the country,
I see on television guys that would make good game show hosts.
But I donīt tell them.
No. The analogy is a game show host is the icing on the cake,
but the format is the cake.
- Yeah, format is the cake. - To me, Dick CIark,
for all the things he does, is an outstanding game show host.
Hestays out ofthe way. He Iets the format work.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, itīs your host, Russ Richards!
[TVContinues, Indistinct]
So, Russ, itsounds Iike we can keep thosescarvesandmittens...
in mothballs a while longer then.
Thatīs what it sounds like, Dan.
And the sleds and snowmobiles can stay in the garage.
That is correct, Heidi. I think we all get the point.
[Dan] Thanks, Russ. WeīIIcheckin withyou Iater.
- [ Answering Machine Beeps ] - Hello. You have one message.
[ Beep ]
[ Man ] Uh, yes. This message is for Rob Richards.
This is Sandy from the Gabler-Kornberg Agency.
Iīm sorry no one got back to you, but we were away on a retreat.
- Apology accepted, Sandy. - I wanted to let you know...
that Mr. Kornberg is dead.
He passed away around eight months ago.
Iīm sure had he not, he wouldīve returned your call.
- Oh, jeez! - He went quickly.
- Yeah. Yep. - Bye-bye.
- [ Beep ] - That was your last message.
[ Sighs ] Yep, that was my last message.
[Rock]
Russ, let me get this straight. You donīt drink.
You donīt do coke. Youīre not a pussy hound.
Well, what the fuck did you blow your money on?
Itjust--Itjust went, okay?
Does it matter? What was that?
Thatīs Carla, the Human Cannon.
- Oh, sheīs good. - Sheīs Dutch.
- Russ, we go way back. - Right.
And I like you. I do. Iīm a fan. But 25 grand.
I donīt think I can lay my hands on that kind of money.
- Oh. - Especially now.
Iīm going through a very messy divorce.
- Iīm sure you understand. - Sure.
I do now.
Okay. Take care, Gig. Thanks a lot. Take care.
Hypothetically speaking, itīs not like youīre without options.
What do you mean?
Well, you do have options.
What are they? Come. Speak up. Hello?
Take your glasses off.
- [ Hums ] - Well, what is that?
Russ, I assume you have insurance on your dealership.
Yeah, so?
Donīt you think now would be the appropriate time to, you know,
make a few claims on, you know, some ofthose premiums?
Oh, God. Oh, jeez!
Are you talking about arson?
The last thing you want to get involved with, mate, is arson.
Well, thatīs right. Yes, ofcourse not.
The way to beat an insurance company these days is with a phony robbery.
Oh, God. [ Scoffs ]
You are veering in that direction. That makes me very uncomfortable.
First of-- Look. If I werenīt, okay, the president ofthe Rotary,
the vice president ofthe Sunshiny Day Club...
and Iīm a Big Brother, Gig.
Russ, itīs your money.
[ Sighs ]
The insurance company is earning interest off it.
The whole ''man ofthe people,īī nice guy thing,
itīs quaint, but donīt you think itīs time to put a cap on it, hmm?
[ Exhales ]
Well, how would it work?
You know, like, you know, hypothetically speaking.
How would, you know, how would it go down?
- Well, itīs nothing. - No?
If I were to put it in medical terms...
where you would equate brain surgery with a bank robbery,
this would be like a visit to the podiatrist.
- Hmm. - And itjust so happens...
I have an acquaintance named Dale who is a specialist in this area.
Itīs a very simple procedure, Russ.
The whole thing would take... 40 minutes.
Forty? Wow.
Fortyminutes, tops.
DaIe arrivesatyourdeaIership on aprearrangednight with his crew.
[Man]Itīsso easy to bIowupyourprobIems
- [ Continues ] - Findshis way inside.
Leaves the teIItaIe signs ofa break-in...
andgains entrance.
Then itīsjust a simpIe matter ofgetting thesIeds out the back.
Imean, the actuaIextraction process is the easiest bit.
And, uh, thatīs that.
AIIthatīs Ieft isbetween You andyourinsurance company.
Endofstory. Easyaspie.
I, ofcourse, would command the standard 20% consultation fee.
- I figured that. - You know, itīs up toyou, Russ.
I mean, only ifyouīre ready for something like this.
That visit to the podiatrist.
Well, itīs like removing a bunion or something.
An ingrown toenail, at the very most.
Funny. Okay. Okay. Well, make the call then.
Good choice.
I wasin the rightpIace, but it mustīve been the wrong time
I wassaying the right things but Imustīve usedthe wrong Iine
- I was on the right trip - All right.
Letīs do this cocksucker.
- [Continues] - All right. Letīs do it.
Iīve been runnin ī tryinītoget hung up in mymind
This is so cool. You can just come in here anytime you want.
Yeah, I got the keys, donīt I?
All right. This oneīs for Charlie Hustle, okay?
The pricks wanna keep him out of Cooperstown?
I wasin the wrongpIace, but it mustīve been the right time
- Home run. - I wasin the rightpIace
Itīshappening right thissecond. Senda squadcarnow!
I wasin the right worId, but itseemedIike a wrong, wrong
- [Sirens WaiIing] - Come on. Move it!
Let mejust askyou one question, YourHonor. Whereīs mybat?
Donīt worry about your bat, asshole.
[Phone Ringing]
[Ring]
- Yeah? - Iīm gonna breakyour fuckinī face.
- What? - You better have a bag of money...
the fuckinī second they set bail, or Iīm telling them who hired me.
I also want an extra ten grand for my pain and suffering.
- Are we clear, weatherman? - No, weīre not clear.
Weīre the furthest thing from clear.
I donīt even know who you are.
Look. A second ago I was asleep.
And two seconds ago, I was in a blueberry field with my mother,
and we were getting along really well.
Save that foryour psychiatrist. I want my ten grand.
Stop it! Stop saying that!
- I donīt have ten grand. - Oh, no?
Youīd better sell something or kill someone. I donīt care!
You just get me my fucking money!
- What-- - [ Dial Tone ]
[ Sighs ]
Okay, Russ. Itīs gonna be a better day.
- [Woman]RussRichards! Hi! - How are you?
Merry Christmas.
Okay. Mmm.
- Scoop-a-doop, Russ, love. - What are you doing here?
- Problem. - What?
Dale the Thugīs getting a bit pissy about his ten grand.
Dale the Thug? Dale the Thug?
Thatīs his nickname? When did that happen?
Oh, thatīs childhood issues. Trust me, you donīt wanna know.
He was fine for a day or two, but now heīs had time to stew, see?
Good morning. What can I get you?
- Can I have coffee? With milk. - Okay.
- Do you have those apple pastries? - Wendy.
- The pastries with cinnamon swirls. - Wendy, heīs not staying.
- Heīs Ieaving, okay? - Okay.
Okay. All right. Thanks for asking.
[GiggIing]
I cannot be seen with you. I am a public figure.
Russ, you donīt return my calls. Iīm doing you the favor.
Ifthereīs a Dale the Thug issue, time tends to be ofthe essence.
Iīm tapped out. The money I got for theJag barely covered his bail.
I am not having this conversation here with you.
Th-Thereīs an omelette named after me, for Godīs sake!
- Whatīs in it? - You leave that alone!Just go!
- Really? Really. - Iīll follow you. Yes!
Hmm. Well, Iīll--
Um, Russ, IīIIjust be outside then?
- Oh, God! - Right?
- Letīs go. - On top ofeverything else,
theyīve impounded his baseball bat as evidence.
He bought it at an auction. Pete Rose hit with it or some shit.
He shouldnīt have used it then. Christ, even a plumber knows...
to take his ring off before he snakes the drain.
- You screwed up, he got pinched. - I did not screw up!
I canīt control the sexual appetite of my employee.
I mean, either way, youīre gonna have to pay for it.
Why donīt you just do this? Take--Just get it over with.
Why donīt you just set up an appointment at his convenience...
to come break my legs or kick me in the nuts or whatever?
You know what? I very much doubt itīll be the latter.
Thatīs practically how he treats his friends.
You know, Russ, Iīve been thinkingaboutyoursituation,
andit occurs to me thatsometimes in Iife...
the greatest opportunities are sitting right underyour nose.
Only thing under my nose is this mat with presidents up to Carter.
- Am I missing something? - The lottery.
Oh, that is so stupid!
You think my playing the lottery is going to solve all my problems?
Not playing the lottery, winning the lottery.
You got that lotto ball machine down at the station, right?
A little razzle-dazzle, youīre set for life.
Gig, I just came off a botched phony robbery.
Let me bask in that a while before I start thinking about tampering...
with the fucking state lottery!
Iīm not talking out of my ass here.
- I do have experience with this. - Really.
Yeah. About ten years ago,
before I washed up on these golden shores,
- I rigged a bingo game at church. - Church, huh?
Weighed down a few ping-pong balls, Bobīs your uncle!
I walked away with a fucking lawn mower.
- Oh, a lawn mower. Wow. - This is not WarandPeace,
merely the concept of gravity.
No, no, the concept of gravity...
is when you fall down and you breakyour head open.
Well, your glass is obviously halfempty.
No, Gig, my glass is totally empty.
- Watch it! - Hateyou!
- Calm down! - Bastard!
Calm down. Youīre acting like a child.
- Stop! Calm down, please. - You promised!
- What do you want me to do? - Whatīs going on?
Everythingīs fine. Thankyou.
She wanted to go. What do you want me to say? ''Iīm sorry.
Iīm banging the lotto ball girl, and I promised her first.īī
I donīt believe I bought sandals in December for no reason!
Iīll take you next time. InJune, I have a conference in Seattle.
Take your wife to fucking Seattle, all right?
I wanted to go to Maui, you asshole!
Oh, Iīm an asshole. Am I the same asshole...
that takes you out to dinner and buys you fancy European underwear?
Try to get that from the weatherman,
who I notice youīve been awfully chatty with these days.
Blow me.
- Is everything okay? - Yes, everythingīs fine!
[Man]Iīm dreaminīofa white
Christmas
Just Iike the ones
Iusedto know
Where the treetopsgIisten
AndchiIdren Iisten
To hearsIeigh beIIs in thesnow
Oh, Iīm
Dreaminīofa white
- [Fades] - I have to askyou something.
- What? - Oh, God. Oh, God.
I donīt know how to askyou this. [ Exhales ]
-Just ask. - I wouldnīt blame you for saying no.
As a matter offact, I already expect you to say no.
But I need your help on something.
Aah! Weīregonna be miIIionaires! Icanīt beIieve this!
I have to admit, I thought it would be a slightly harder sell.
All right, most important thing...
is getting alone with that machine...
five minutes before and five minutes after the broadcast.
- Thatīs key. - Thatīsaskeyasitgets.
Five minutes before, five after. Did you hear that, Crystal?
Iīm two inches away. How could I not hear it?
Start taking notes, īcause when Gig and I start hashing it out,
thereīs gonna be gold flying around, and I donīt want to miss any of it.
- The first piece of gold is this. - Yeah.
I think someone should call in a bomb scare.
Then the buiIdinggets evacuated, andIīm aIone with the Iotto baIIs.
Okay? Are you writing this down?
- When we decide, Iīll write it. - Itīs good, right?
Russ, um, forgive me.Just a second.
You call in a bomb scare, they evacuate the building,
and shut down the broadcast.
Right, then the firemen wiIIcome...
and then the policemen will come, so kind ofa lame idea, you know?
All right.Jeez. Itīsjust an idea.
Itīs a work in progress, for Godīs sake.
Even a painterīs got to take the brushes and clean īem.
- Whatever that means. - Any better ideas, Smarty-pants?
Why canīt I distract Bobby somehow, the security guy?
And then you switch the balls.
- No, uh, lame. Thatīs lame. What? - No, thatīsbriIIiant.
- Yeah? - Itīsso simpIe, itīsbriIIiant.
In its simplicity, Russ. Simplicity. Thatīs--
- And movinī on. - Okay, movinī on.
Movinī on, I guess.
- Next most important thing, right? - Uh-huh.
We need to find your beard?
What the hellīs a ''beardīī?
You need someone to buy the ticket and claim the winnings.
But it has to be someone that you absolutely trust.
- One beard. Check. - Time out, folks!
Thereīs not a person I would trust to do this thing.
Not a single person.
Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God. Okay. All right.
I buy the ticket in disguise.
Okay? And this eliminates all the outsiders.
Thatīs the answer. Thatīs it. Okay?
Yeah, yeah. Now weīre cooking with gas, huh?
I mean, how would you disguise yourself?
What, as CharIie ChapIin? As The Tramp orsomething?
[Laughing] Yeah, orno, Iike, from The Wizard of Oz.
- The straw guy. - The straw man.
Yeah, he could put hay in his clothes and wear a hat.
- With a pom-pom on it? - No one will know itīs him.
- Ooh, itīs clever. - Nobody would everknow!
- No! Russ. - Itīs Scarecrow from WizardofOz.
- Oh, okay. - Itīs Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion,
itīs the Tin Man, itīs the dog, itīs the flying monkeys...
and itīs the Scarecrow.
Ifyouīre gonna make fun of me, get your facts straight.
WeII, my apoIogies, sir. Iam not the cartoon aficionada thatyou are.
- Itīs not a cartoon, Crystal. - So what?
- Itīs a movie. - Who gives a shit?
- Children-- Excuse me. - [Arguing]
- Itīs a movie! For Godīs sake. - Calm down. Calm down.
- Calm-- Calm down. - Sorry.
- Please? - All right. Back to square one.
[ Chuckles ] Letīs go.
Hey, I know. My cousin Walter could do it.
- Who? - From Ohio.
He would be the perfect beard. Heīs this totally straight guy.
He doesn īt even drink, andbesides, he hasa crush on me.
The minute You waIkedin thejoint
IcouIdseeyou were a man ofdistinction
A reaIbig spender
- Good-Iookin ī, so refined - Oh. Walter.
Say wouIdn ītyou Iike to know whatīsgoinīon in mymind
- I got you balloons. We should go. - Thankyou.
So Iet meget right to thepoint
I got you a room at a lovely country inn.
Idonītpop mycork foreveryguyIsee
Hey, big spender
Spenda IittIe time with me
- Oh. Itīs so green and lush. - [Russ] Oh!Lookat this room!
- [Russ] Oh, this issogreat.
- Look at this TV, a closet. - God, Iookat thepainting.
And this clock with a little light. Itīs so-- Itīs so modern-day.
- [CrystaI] Oh, showercurtain. - Oh, WaIter, Iookat this.
All-you-can-eat buffet. Oh. Right up the block!
- [ Wheezing, Coughing ] - And towels all prepared foryou.
- How comfy. What do you think? - Yeah, what do you think?
- [ Gasps ] Mold spores. - What?
This room has a high content of mold spores.
- My throatīs closinī up. - Oh, jeez.
- [ Gasping, Wheezing ] - Oh.
[ Wheezing Continues ]
- Are you all right, Walter? - [ Wheezing ]
Mm. Tsk.
[ Exhaling, Gurgling ]
[ Wheezing ]
Oh, jeez.
- All clear. - Thank God for modern medicine.
- Yeah. - Hey, Walter, test the bed.
Itīs a combination ofthe heat and moisture. Thatīs what does it.
Yeah. Is it always this sticky in Harrisburg in the winter?
Well, you know, itīs-- itīs a fluke, ofcourse,
but itīs not entirely uncommon, no.
- Uh-uh. - W-Whyīs that?
Well, okay, well, historically, weather has been unpredictable.
- Yeah, well, w-whyīs that? - Why?
- [ Sniffling ] - WeII-- WeII, okay, yougot...
Your, uh--yougotyourcoIdfronts andyougot...
your warm fronts, and then youīre talkinī barometric pressure.
- Well, without my gauges, I-I-- - I love hotels.
Walter? Walter? Hey! Walter.
- Yeah? - Are you clear on what weīre doinī?
How long will it be be-before I get my money?
- Oh, well-- - Oh. Yeah, no.
Um, itīs real simple, honey.
When we get our first payment, you take your 20,000 right away.
- Thatīs yours. - Right. Tax-free.
- We want you to be happy. - Oh.
Well, I could-- I could really use the money,
īcause m-m-my church needs a new furnace.
- Oh, well, that is so refreshing. - Yeah.
And Iīm gonna use the rest to open an adult bookstore.
Ah. Okay. Well, thatīs good. Thatīs good too. Yeah.
Do you masturbate, Russ?
Jeez. Iīve been so busy lately, I barely polish my shoes.
- īCause I masturbate all the time. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Some people think itīs a sin,
but God gave us the ability to masturbate to protect us from sin.
Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. I could-- I could see that.
- Sure. Why not? - I like sex.
- Thereīs a lot ofsex in the Bible. - Mm-hmm.
- Iīm sure thereīsa BibIe here. - Yeah.
- Yeah, sure. - S-So, we--
- Weīre a team, right? - Yeah, yeah, a team!
- Yeah? - Team. [ Chuckling ]
- [ Chuckling ] - Ooh.
Yeah? Yeah?
- Oh, Iīvegot one. Let mepick. - No, no, no, no, no!
- Please, let me finish. Okay, 1 6. - I wanna pick one.
Sixteen, okay? Thatīs how old I was when I first got laid.
- Really? - Yeah. Okay.
Twenty-five. Okay, twenty-five. My motherīs birthday.
-January 25, 1 91 2. All right. - No, no. This--
No, the 25th was my anniversary,
and I got divorced, and I got screwed in that.
I didnīt get a good settlement. Seventy.
I had a ī70 Camaro and got in that accident and got a huge settlement.
- Oh, yeah. Famous whiplash. Okay. - Remember? Thatīs right.
Um, I got some randomly selected numbers, okay?
[WaIter] These are, Iike, compIeteIy random.
- Okay? - Flick it. Make sure air gets--
Twenty-two, seventy.
Puncture. Then you inject a little paint into the ball.
- You know, weigh īem down. - Sixteen.
Then weput a IittIe gIue overthe hoIe.
- Nine. - [Russ]Isn īt this fun?
- Twenty-seven. - [Russ]Itīs Iikesummercamp.
Itīs Iike artsandcrafts.
- Seven. - [ Russ ] The six we donīt inject.
- Those aregonna rise to the top. - Itīs my birthday.
Get it? Okay. Those are the winningnumbers.
[Russ] This is the concept ofgravity.
Sweet, simple concept of gravity.
- Here we go. Go. - Ready?
Yeah! Whoo! [ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
- Thatīs brilliant. Brilliant! - All right. Go.
Andshe wasn ītgonna sit aroundand wait
Thisguy was wise to aIIofthe Iies
Andhe flies out the door
Easymoney
WiIIthese warm temperatures continue? This isRussRichards.
Catch me tonight in the WeatherCenterandfindout.
Right here on ChanneI6, WTPA.
Okay. Ready. [ Groans ]
- [CarHorn BIaring] - Hold on a second. You hear that?
I have been watching your show--
[Horn BIaring]
- [Woman On TV, Indistinct] - [Man On TV]But enough about me.
I donīt know why. But Iīm fine. I just donīt know--
- Make way. Give her space. - Bobby! Oh, Bobby!
- Thank God. Yeah. - Crystal, you all right?
- I donīt know what happened. - Come on. Give her space.
- And I just had the car checked. - Oh, thatīs crazy.
- Yeah. - Lucky you didnīt hit your head.
- Well, who knows? Maybe I did. - Maybe you should see a lawyer.
- Yeah, thatīs a good idea. - I know a lawyer.
Do you? Thatīs great, Bobby. Thanks.
Let me know ifyou want his name!
[LotteryAnnouncer] Tonightīsjackpot is$6.4miIIion!
Ourmachine contains80baIIs, and weīIIdraw6from the machine.
Drawing tonight wiIIbe ChanneI6īs IotterygirI, CrystaILatroy.
Now, letīs start the machine, please.
Now, CrystaI, drawthe first number.
Seventy!
Andthesecond.
Twenty-two!
And the third.
Seven!
And now the fourth.
Sixteen!
And the fifth number, please.
Nine!
- [LotteryAnnouncer] Thesixth! - Twenty-seven.
Twenty-seven!
[ Lottery Announcer ] And there you have it.
Tonightīs Pennsylvania Lottery numbers: 70,
22, 7, 1 6,
9, 27.
Ifyou have it, come andget it.
- Good girl. - Ifnot, betterIucknext time.
Back to you, Dan!
[Announcer] That about wrapsit up forthis edition ofNewsat Five.
Enjoythe rest ofyourevening. WeīIIseeyou here tomorrownight.
You can see aIIthe PennsyIvania Lotterydrawings right here...
on WTPA, ChanneI6.
Oh! My head! [ Groans ]
Crystal! I got you.
- I got you. Come on, come on. - Oh! Thanks, Bobby. Good.
- No, letīs-- Please, this way. - No, this wayīs better.
- No. This way! - All right.
- Oh, Iīm not making any sense. - Okay. Nice and easy.
- I-I donīt-- Oh! - Nice-- I got you. I got you.
- You feelinī better now? - Ugh.
I donīt know. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Thanks. I really do.
[ Gasps ] Oh. Oh!
Shit! Shit! Oh.
God! Stop it!
Stay in! Come on!
Get in! Damn it.
Stay in, little mothers. Oh, shit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay. [ Sighs ]
- Hey! - [ Screams ] Bobby, you scared me.
Are you sure you should be drivinī?
Why donīt you let me give you a ride home?
No, Iīm fine. Iīm fine now.
Yeah. I had a Three Musketeers.
Okay, then. Get some sleep.
- All right. Thanks, sweetie. - You donīt want me to driveyou?
No!
Thankyou, though. Youīre sweet.
Good afternoon, Lawrence.
Hey, Russ.
- Iīve been thinking about you. - Big news.
No, I have. First ofall, this is foryou.
Token of my appreciation for how hard youīve been working.
And let me tell you something else. People have been talking about you.
- What people? - Letīsget anotherthingstraight.
No one is stealing you away from me, because you are--
- What are you? - Number one.
- Thatīs right. - Wow, itīs quite an honor.
- Idonīt know what to say. - Well, donīt say anything.
As ourJewish friends say, ''Enjoy.īī
Look, Russ, remember I told you about my cousinīs stepdad?
The one with the roadside fun park in Colorado,
in LeadviIIe?
Well, ifyou did, my brain immediately purged it.
Well, I gave him a call, and I told him about our situation,
and he said heīd buy our whole inventory in one fell swoop.
Really? Well, how much?
Okay, well, hereīs where we run into a small asterisk.
- Thirty thousand? - Who is this guy,JesseJames?
I oughta get in a Santa Claus outfit and give īem away.
I just thought, you know, ifthe noose starts getting tighter.
''The nooseīī? Who am I talking to?
Is this Larry, the winner? Is this Larry number one?
Am I talking to the Larry that everybodyīs talking about?
- Whoīs talking about me? - Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, good. Good idea.
- Good morning, sweetie. Hi. - Hi.
- So, where is it? - What?
The ticket. Iīm dying to see it.
Well, I have it. Donīt worry.
Iīm not worried. May I see it, please?
Well, actually,
I might hold on to it for a while.
- What does that mean? - WeII,
first ofall, how come Iīm only getting $20,000?
Imean, Iīm takingaIIthe risk, right?
- Walter? - And, you know...
Iīm-- Iīm the one whoīs gotta cash it in.
What ifthey find out this was rigged?
- No. - W-W-What ifth-they--
Itīs like this is a setup or some kind of, like, an ambush.
- I could get caught. - Thatīs not gonna happen.
No. Shh. Sweetie, listen. Youīre being really silly.
Okay? Now, we made a deal, and you agreed to it.
So letīsjust move forward as planned, okay?
No. Why-- Why canīt we split it three ways?
- The weatherman, you, and me. - Who the fuck are you?
- Iīm doinī all the work. - Youīre lucky to get a little bit.
Well, can we-- Iīm family.
Go get the fucking ticket!
Now, give me the ticket, you jerk-off!
Get off me! Youīre a whore!
- Stop it! - Oh!
Do not fuck with me, you sick, masturbating retard!
Go ahead and rape me. Thatīs what you want!
Shut up! Whereīs the ticket?
- Iīm not telling you, slut! - I want that ticket now!
- Iīm telling your parents! - Stop it!
Are you ready for the song ''Bingo Was His Name-Oīī?
- [ Children ] Yeah! - All right.
There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o
B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o
- [WaIterGasping] - Where is it?
My-- My-- My-- My-- My puffer.
- Your what? Stop it! What? - Puffer! Puffer!
[ Wheezing, Coughing ] My puffer! I canīt breathe!
- Iīll get it. God. - Get it. Thankyou. Thankyou.
Is this what you want, your puffer? Whereīs the ticket?
[ Wheezing ] Iīm not telling you.
Fine!
[ Gasping, Wheezing ]
- F-Fucky-you. - [ TV Turns On ]
[ Inhaler Clicking, Expelling Mist ]
- [ TV ] These days are ours - Walt, look. HappyDays is on.
- Happy and free - Those happy days
- These daysare ours - Share them with me
Good-bye gray skies, Hello blue
Thereīs nothing can hold me when I hold you
FeeIsso right, it canīt be wrong
Rockinī and rollinī all week long
The people on the bus go yap-yap-yap
Yap-yap-yap, Yap-yap-yap
The people on the bus go yap-yap-yap
[Man On TV]Laverne De Fazio andShirIey Feeney!
- CasabIanca. - [Laverne] CasabIanca.
- Shit! - [Man] Okay.
[Screaming, YeIIing On TV]
Damn it!
Come on. Where is it?
Oh! Goddamn it!
Ugh.
[ Sighs ] Iīm gonna puke.
Oh!
Yes. Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes!
Hey, Walt, met your girlfriend.
Cute.
[ Voice Breaking ] Yes, I need an ambulance right away.
My cousin had some kind ofasthma attack.
Heīs not moving. Okay.
I canīt believe it. I-Iīm in shock.
I thought he had one ofthose inhaler things.
- His puffer? I couldnīt find it. - Yeah.
- You couldnīt find it? - No, we couldnīt find it at first.
And then when we did find it, it was all out ofshit-- ofjuice.
- Mist? - Yeah, mist. It was out of mist.
- Mm. Know what his last words were? - What?
- ''Crystal, my sweet angel.īī - Donīt, donīt.
''Go into my wallet and take the ticket,
īcause you and Russ deserve to have that money.īī
Oh, God!
Oh, fuck me. No fried clams?
- Crystal? I know, baby. - Hmm.
Itīs insensitive to bring up something at a time like this,
but I think we do have a little problem.
What?
Well, with Walter gone,
we have no one to cash in the ticket.
- God rest his soul and everything. - I wouldnīt worry about that.
- Why? - Iīve got plenty of relatives.
In fact, Iīll probably see a lot ofthem at Walterīs funeral.
No. You know, I wouldnīt bring them into this.
- I mean, theyīve suffered enough. - [Woman] ThereīsRussRichards!
Heīs more handsome in person!
- [ Sniffles ] - Itīs times like this you wonder.
You wonder ifthereīs a higher being out there.
- Maybe it wasjust Walterīs time-- - All right! Key lime pie.
[Rock]
- Hello,Jerry, mate. How are you? - Gig.
- Wanna hear a cute story? - I would love to hear a cute story.
You know I got a grandson, six years old.
- Thatīs a great age. - Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
He says to me the other day, he says,
''Pop-Pop, when I grow up,
I wanna be a bookie and run a numbers racketjust like you.īī
Ohhh.
I know. I melted.
Andthen he asksme, hesays, ''Pop-Pop,
when people play the numbers,
what number do they try to win?īī
So I explain to him.
I say, ''Sweetie, every week we bookies,
we get the number from someplace customers know we canīt control.īī
- And he says, ''Like SesameStreet?īī - Lovely that, isnīt it?
Itīs amazing what these kids come up with, isnīt it?
Itīs amazing. And I say, ''No, no, no, no, not SesameStreet.
We get the number from the lottery drawing on television,
the last three digits ofthe real lotto,
because everyone knows no one can rig the state lottery,
which means no one can rig a bookieīs number.īī
- Thatīs right. - And he looks at me.
You know, big long look with these big brown eyes, and he says,
''And I bet no one can win either!īī [ Chuckles ]
Heīs a genius. Kidīs a genius.
After all, h-how often do I have to pay out?
- Once, twice, three times a year. - If.
If. So, moving right along.
Next day, guess what. I had 1 2 people hit the same number.
- No shit! - Yeah.
Which even a six-year-old kid knows, statistically, itīs impossible.
Out ofthe realm of possibility. Canīt happen.
- I donīt know what to tell you. - Hereīs the funny thing, though.
When I looked at the people who picked,
a pattern started to emerge.
- Really? - Yeah. Your ex-wife.
[ Laughing ]
Your ex-wife. Your ex-wifeīs mother.
Her motherīs sister. Your dentist.
Your cousin Vic.
A few other stray crinkly leaves from the family tree.
They all played variations on the same number.
- You know,Jerry. - Hmm.
If it wasnīt for the fact that we are dear friends--
- We are dear friends, right? - Dear friends.
I would suspect that you are accusing me ofsomething.
Ofwhat?
I mean,Jesus Christ himself canīt rig the state lottery.
Thankyou.
Unless--
UnlessJesus had a buddy down at the TV station.